Because Mr S. loves to tell me what to do

Today I talked to my old writing professor and he asked me how I was and I said "I am fucking awful". He told me tell me about yourself and I said I have nothing positive to say and he said just write about yourself, only positive things, lie if you have to, send it to the people you love and who love you too. Tell them to pick out the things that aren't true according to them. So here goes.  

"There is a braveness in you that you are not acknowledging. But I have seen it now."

I am braveness in a body, I've got nerve and I am so stubborn. I am observent. I am selfless. I am daring. Intimidating. I have got the values of chivalry. I am courteous. I am kind, patient, tolerant, I am loyal. I am witty, intelligent. I carry wisdom, originality, acceptance, individuality. I am extraordinary, one that has never lived before me. I am compassionate, I am bashful and gracefully unskillful. I am clever and ideal. I am resourceful, talented writer and lover of all things beautiful. I am complex and consuming. I am reliable, unconventional, dreamy, scary but lovely. I am lively, malencholic but hopeful. bold and breathless, mysterious and meschivious, very hard to ignore. I blur evrything around me. I am good to others. I am thoughtful, wonderful, fierce. I am strong. I am charming, delightful. I am passionate. I am caring. I am easy to talk to, to be with, to love. I am deserving and empowering. I have good ideas and beliefs. I am warm hearted and gentle. I am humble.  I am down to earth. I am outgoing and inspiring. I am understanding. I make good choices. I make other people want to be better. The world could use more people like me. I am a positive influence in other people's lives. I am good at giving advise. I am fearless. I make people feel comfortable. I am good with words and always know what to say even if I stutter. I am worth it. I am loved and important. I am respected. 

I am beautiful. Not pretty, beautiful. Right after I wake up, right after I shower. Right after I cried, right after I am all dolled up. I have the most beautiful eyes that look like Lipton tea with honey. They're hazy and my lashes are made of the same things and butterfly wings. My hair is always messy and in the way, it is wild. My lips are refreshing and tempting and my nose is very cute. My smile makes hearts ache. Make angels fall but is healing all in one. All the freckles are like stars in my sky and my skin is soft, so if you rest your head on my tummy you'll be in the clouds. My voice is sweet and silky. It cradles you and reminds you that you will be okay. My arms feel like home. I am mellow. Not easily noticed, but once perceived, you'll never forget me. I am short but it compliments my figure. I am absolutely alluring. I am comely. 

So lie to me and tell me all this is true.

10:39 p.m.

Trying: take 1

I always find ways to place titles on things but right now i'll be honest with you all.
I am pretty okay. I mean I have somewhat stress from school but nothing I can't get over, my mother is fucking dictating my life and that frustrates me. Like I am trying to realize that she is right and that she is only doing what a respectable parent does because they love their but honestly there are more efficient and fair ways to treat me and guide me. I miss my brother a lot. I haven't missed him this much in a really long time and no one talks about him with me. I am slowly realizing that my dad is so emotionally detached that it scares me. He doesn't tell me anything and every Saturday when it's our day he asks me to bring my boyfriend so he doesn't have to deal with me. But I am trying so hard to be good to myself. I try taking care of myself and right now I'm going that extra mile to love myself. I also hope everyone I love, will love themselves and want to do whats best for them and just take care of themselves. I love them all so much.

The months have stories; introductions

1. August is a boy as tall as can be, he is a symphony of what breaks hearts and heals them all at once.He's got these big brown eyes and eyelashes made of clouds.

 He is unconventional, a walking controversy. Once falling in love with July.

He has sticky hair and misses July more than he should.

2. July has messy hair that's always in the way with diamond blue eyes. She's intimidating, dangerous, irresistible. Lively and wild, the kind of beauty that evokes adventure and giggling like a child. She always has her feet on the dashboard.

3. June is her sister. She has long, sunshine hair. She's always late and bashful. Quiet and elegant. She's dreamy, and soft, all hazy eyes that shine so bright they'll melt you.

Beauty that inspires slow songs for some reason. 

4. December is a kind, old man that has been chasing January all his life.

He has dark, gray hair and sweet green eyes. He's warm, a reliable kind of beauty. 

Almost in the sense that it will shine through the darkest of times.

His favorite color is red.

5. January has hair like snow that shines in the sun with crystals for eyes.                                   Mixing with opals and pearls. She's dark and complex. 

Sneaks up on you, scary but lovely. January makes hearts ache. But she is unobtainable.

6. May is daring and likes to wear sundresses. She's all raised eyebrows and smirks. She blurs everything out. Her favorite color is that of sunflowers and wears daisies in her hair.

She's melancholic in a hopeful sense, something to write poetry about. Beauty that you can look at for days and never get jaded of.

7. April is gracefully unskillful, she has bruises all over from walking into things. She has long, brown hair and the most beautiful brown eyes. But she is tantalizing and bold. 

Hits you straight on, even though she messes up her words.                                                               She is very hard to ignore. She's the line in the book that helps you understand life better.

8. October is mysterious and mischievous. He is slim and made of what makes the leaves fall in autumn. He is the feeling after being wanderlust. October has curly, dark, almost black hair with piercing green eyes. He is calming, like the ocean when the sun is starting to crawl out of heaven.

October leaves you wondering.

9. March likes music. He sings to everyone and is the kind words telling you that it will all be okay.

March is strong and can move mountains. He is art that reminds you of the first time that you felt like you belong. He has big ears and likes to sit in fields. He feels like getting complimented on your biggest insecurity.

10. September is romantic and spontaneous and likes to play hide and seek in department stores. 

She is in love with everything and likes animals. She is sweet and exuberant and feels like home.

She is breathtaking and like a dream catcher. She catches you by surprise.

11. November is always hungry and being with him makes you feel like a bird set out of your cage for the first time. November makes you feel free. Screaming after holding it in for a really long time.

He is like driving in a car for hours and going places you've never been to before. 

The lull of a city at night. 

12. February has orange hair that looks like fire and she feels like draining all the bad things from your body and she looks like the sky. All vast and if you look at her long enough you'll forget who you are and where you are. She is laughing so hard that your stomach starts to hurt.

She loves candy and hugs.

What is the opposite of love?

I've asked a lot of people this question today; they all answer it hate or loathing at one point. 

But I disagree. I disagree because you can't love a person one second and hate them the next. It's something much more agonizing and complicated then hate. I think it's indifference. It's when you can't agree on anything anymore and you don't care to sympathize anymore and you wanna watch this movie but they end up choosing a movie you absolutely deteste. I think it's indifference because you lose importance to that person. 

And you fight a lot and I'm tired of fighting and it's all so dry and heavy like filling your mouth with crackers when you haven't had even a sip of something liquid in days. It's when the moon is stamped on the backs of your eyelids because you're so used to going to bed at the same time and not being able to dream while knowing they're still awake. But them staying awake regardless of your headache, regardless of the begging. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because I know I'm a fucking failure because relationships are hard and I'm so little. And I romantisize you more than i do anything else and I just want to be important again, I just want it to be like the beginning again because now I'm a fraud of my own words and feelings so I'll talk less now. I'll put away my expectations. And I'll sow my soul shut. Nothing will come out anymore. 

Srjr

3:41 p.m. 

Hell hell hell

Lately I've been thinking about killing myself more than even I'm used to, I've been hoarding reasons and hating myself more than usual and then I just ended up thinking why after so many attempts they all failed. I think I knew they would fail but didn't bother fixing the traps because maybe I didn't want. Now I've been thinking about why I don't just do it and I realized I will never be able to kill myself because I'll always be taunted by this think called hope that it just might get better. God how I actually do wish for the good things to come because I'm tired of waiting. It's always one good day every few months. That's hell. It's all hell. 

How to love your depressed lover

Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again.”

-Srjs

5:24 a.m.

To the one that loves him next, the sequel

He goes on walks when he feels messy. Tell him to stay with you but if he doesn't, tell him to be home in an hour so you know he's safe and tell him to be careful. When it's 3 a.m. and all you can think about is him tell him. Tell him that you think of him when no one else is looking. Tell him he is so handsome you'd like to sleep with the lights on. He's one of a kind. He's got fire in his eyes that looks purple around the edges.

Srjr

3:00 a.m.